This weekend, I attended a Steubenville Conference for the second time. And honestly, I was waiting for all of it to kick in again. I was waiting for some massive emotions to go through me and show me what I've been missing. In my head it was like I felt as if God was a few feet away from me, and I was just waving like "hey! I'm over here!" but I just waited.
I've been really stuck lately. It's a time when I actually was just going through the motions like a good catholic is supposed to. I attended mass regularly, I continue to lector, I am still and extraordinary minister of the Eucharist, I still sing in the lifeteen band, and I still go to youth group. And it's not enough. There's nothing new. And when the world crashes down, I lay in my bed and watch entire seasons of Grey's Anatomy. So I walked into this conference thinking I want MORE. What else is there?! I didn't get the feeling I got at my first steubenville conference in 2012.
Steubenville 2012 brought me to my knees in tears because it was honestly the first time I've ever experienced the true love of God. Steubenville 2012 is the reason I am where I am now in my faith and why I am in absolute love with my faith.
Anyways: I asked God for two things this weekend.
1) show me more
2) please don't let me doubt.
My question 1 was answered with so much. My head was filled with the small things I could do like really explore scripture and spend more time with the blessed sacrament (aka Jesus himself), and get rid of the things that prevent me from really building my relationship with God, including relationships with others. Then I got big pictures. The possibility of becoming a youth minister, or a theology major, or even a call to live a religious life (?!?!) came to me. Some of these vocations I've thought about before, and some were so new I didn't know how I felt about them (?!?!!!!!). I've never felt so confused but I'm just going to let God do what he wants to do with me, I have no choice. Question 2 was left unanswered because there's no way I could doubt after what happened with question 1.
But besides my whole "what am I going to be when I grow up" rant, I also want to talk about the newish ideas I got out of this conference.
I really really really really love my faith. Not only does it get me through the day, but never fails to astound me. As I looked around me I saw over 2000 teens give their lives to Christ, worship, pray, and love. I saw so many people who have already dedicated their lives to God (nuns, priests, friars, seminarians) and I saw so many people open their hearts, and it really did remind me of my first experience with God. This church is built upon intense LOVE. Love great enough to bring people to give up their lives and fall to their knees, and cry, and laugh, and simply love!
We all forget sometimes. We all forget that someone loves us enough to create us, name us, shape us, and die for us. My youth minister accidently sang the words wrong to "How He Loves Us" and sang "how he loves me" and it was a deep reminder. God loves us, yeah. But sometimes you need to hear it. Seriously say it out loud. God loves me. God loves me.
God. Loves. Me.
Of course. I even bought a bracelet that has Isaiah 43:1 on it.
"I have called you by name: you are mine."
You. Are. Mine.
Isn't that insane? God searches for us and we search for him and he is our father and I do picture myself as a little kid in my daddy's lap while he asks me who his little girl is. And I always answer that I am. I'm his little girl. And he loves me. And he always will. I never have to doubt it.
I love my faith.
I love the Eucharist.
I love reconciliation.
I love adoration.
I love mass.
And I love God.
I wouldn't trade any part of it for this world. And it reminds me that I am here to reflect the light of Christ. Even when my light gets dimmed by the harshness of life, I am here to shine on.
I am a daughter of Christ, and my light can never go out because I am loved and I am saved.
I always here people say that once you've encountered the love of God you'll never be the same. And they're right. I never want to meet the person I might have been if I'd never took a step into the Catholic Church. And I had the choice, I really did. I never understood mass as a kid. I can't even remember going more than twice. I was never forced to go to church as a child, but when I was 12, I walked into a church for an Ash Wednesday mass, and I made the decision to go to RCIC and RE, and I made the decision to continue to receive my sacraments beyond baptism, and I made the decision to keep walking in my faith even though I wouldn't understand any of it until my sophomore year of high school.
I still have so much to learn, and so much to love, but I'm proud of where I am, and I know my Father is too.
