Do I really have to make time for LIFE?

Seriously though, I don't have time to sit and do things like this and not feel guilty about it. I really should be doing homework. Or practicing for something. But stuff like this needs to happen more often. I'm exhausted of being on a schedule of things being due, meetings to attend, and times to wake up. When did life become such a rush? Yeah, I know i'm only sixteen but from a sixteen-year-old's perspective, I feel like i'm running around all the time.

Seriously, this week I had an outside reading book due and I chose to read The Catcher in the Rye. It's really too bad that I didn't have at least an hour to sit down and read. If I didn't have other things to do that I deemed more important, I would've totally read that book straight in one day. I really miss reading! I used to go through like a book in a week! Sadly, I just read the Sparknotes... I'll read it someday.

I guess this is mostly my fault... I feel like sometimes I involve myself too much. Sorry, I just like being part of things I like to do you know? I really love making music and I really love my faith... and I would hate making what I love a secondary priority for me. What's a little ridiculous is the fact that I have to put those aside for my education that slowly takes over my free time. Work. Work. Work. It's really depressing actually. I don't understand how this lifestyle is okay. It seems like after high school, we are absorbed in to college work (which is probably worse than high school, i'm assuming.) and after college we are consumed in our careers. But when do we ever have time to stop and chill out?

Don't tell me I should've done that before I got here, that's dumb. Hold up, let me get my time machine, go back in time and tell myself to enjoy my free time because that's going to be gone in a few years. Of course I didn't know that when I was younger! Plus, I wouldn't have been able to sit and contemplate some other issues like I do now because I was probably too obsessed with like the Jonas Brothers and Disney Channel.

To be honest, I spend my free time sleeping because I'm usually too exhausted to think about doing other things that could make me happy. Don't get me wrong, sleep makes me very happy, but what about just reading a book, or maybe I could get back to learning how to play guitar, and learning how to crochet. Those are the little things that I wish I could stop and do. This post makes me feel bad because I feel like I should be doing something more productive because I can't lead myself to think that this is beneficial to me! I'm in my room, with a couple of candles lit, my favorite lamp on, and Explosions in the Sky playing. This is beneficial to me! Beneficial to the SOUL. (Sorry, that was really cheesy, but it had to be said.)

Really, it isn't wrong to just set everything aside for a moment and chill out. Grab some tea, some good music, a book, something you really love, and just enjoy it. Especially high school kids, seriously. I promise not working for a second won't kill you. This school system leads you to believe that you're not enough unless you're making a 108 GPA. Your grades aren't a reflection of who you are, or what you become. (I'm still trying to believe it, even though deep down I know it's true.)

Please take a moment to relax, and free your mind of your stress. It's one of the best feelings ever.

Why are we here, again?

I seem to spend an awful lot of my time thinking about death.

Occasionally, i'll ponder the thought. As a Catholic i'm called to believe in Heaven, the kingdom of eternal rest. And I think, well if I have that to look forward to, what am I doing here? In a non-suicidal way. I mean really, what's the point of hanging out on this...corrupted planet we like to call our home? On a retreat I was on a couple weekends ago, we spent some time in Eucharistic Adoration, and I didn't feel a care in the world. I was so in love with the Eucharist that I honestly wanted to stay there forever. I was absolutely heartbroken once I realized I would have to leave the chapel and return to reality. Being with God is my home. I will never feel more at home than when I am with my Savior.

"Please let me stay here, I never want to leave. There's no struggle here, there's no pain here, there's no worry here." - Journal Entry Oct. 26. 2013

I feel like that experience was my little piece of Heaven. The Eucharist is where Heaven and Earth meet, for just a moment. But back to my original question: why are we here? If this is only temporary and we're going to the best place EVER, what am I doing here? Well... i'd like to think we're here because our souls aren't ready for Heaven. But, i'm not positive. I just think that we aren't ready to live in such a perfect place. So we're placed here, and we learn from our mistakes everyday. We make good judgments and praise God for our contribution to this ill world; we also made bad decisions that we should learn from to make good judgments. Our bad judgments are forgiven, no matter how severe, as long as we repent and are genuinely sorry for whatever sin we have committed. This world is our playground, and it's our duty to make the best out of it.

So, when we die, how is Christ supposed to help us out?
If we trust in God, death is easy. As weird as it sounds, i'm so chill with death. If I died tomorrow i'd be okay with it, because I know i'm going home. If you die trusting in God, are at peace, and are without serious sin, dude. You're on your way to Heaven. *

"If we live, we live to the Lord, and if we die, we die to the Lord; so then, whether we live or whether we die, we are the Lord's."- Rom 14:8

 Sadly, sometimes I really do think about suicide. The thought has plagued me for years. I know i'm only sixteen, but i definitely know life doesn't get any easier. How am I supposed to deal with growing older and continuing the path of the journey of life, if I can sometimes not even handle high school? Getting rid of your own self isn't the answer. Feeling worthless and tired is temporary. I've learned to let it go many times. I just have to remind myself that I have purpose, and I wouldn't be here if I didn't have a reason to be here. God doesn't make mistakes, and I am certainly not a mistake.

This thought is what brought me to my new blog title. "I am a light."
While I was in Adoration this past Sunday, I was watching the candles flicker around the room.
The flames we beautiful and bright. The flames were obviously warm and I thought of the other benefits lights have. Lights guide people, and make us feel safe (the dark makes us insecure). But, lights -especially flames- can also destroy.

But one quality of lights that really makes a connection with me is that lights burn out. Light bulbs, fire, stars... they will all go out at one point in time. But, that's not the light's decision. We as humans, are lights. We have all these qualities, but we won't go out until our time here is over. God's time is not ours, and we are necessary to the world while we burn.

So, i'm using this time to shine bright. My goal is to be a light to others and live a better lifestyle, even thought sometimes I flicker and I am not steady in my own life. Hopefully, the world can shine together, and maybe the life we live on Earth won't suck so much. :)

"I am not dying, I am entering life."-St. Therese of Lisieux

 *A lot of the information I am giving is based of the YOUCAT (Youth Catechism of the Catholic Church)

A Final Farewell To A Dear Friend

On Thursday, April 4th, 2013, Heaven was graced with an angel. His name is Rolff Camey.

Growing up with him has been an incredible honor. He has lived directly across the street from me since as long as I could remember.

Although, I do regret the times I failed to be there for him. While at his funeral, a cousin of his came up to me. We used to play together when we were younger. He told me that he asked about me one day... and Rolff told him that he hadn't seen me in quite awhile. As I look back on the last time I saw him (while he was fully conscious), I wish I remembered the day. He'd probably texted me "Hey, can I get a ride?" at 7:30 A.M. I probably said "Yeah, 8?" And he would knock on my front door with his backpack and soccer bang hanging at his side. I was disappointed that those may have been my last words to him. But then I thought about when I had visited him in the hospital. The last time I saw him alive he was connected to machines and random colorful tubes and wires. It was Saturday, April 30th.

He was in a car accident with his aunt and cousin. They we're hit by a drunk driver who ran a red light on the driver's side. His cousin passed away, he suffered broken bones and severe brain damage, and his aunt did also. His aunt woke up a couple of day after the accident. We waited what seemed like forever to see Rolffy wake up. But he never did. His heart was still beating and his lungs were fine. What wasn't functioning was his kidney (they had to take the other one out) and his brain. Doctors told us if he did wake up, we would never be the same. He might not be able to walk, or talk... I couldn't imagine. Rolffy wanted to be a pro soccer player, and then an engineer for NASA. He would be trapped in a lifeless body... he would never fulfill his dreams. His parents made the decision to take him off life support. He had been on it for about a month. He lasted until 4pm on April 3rd to about 11am on April 4th. I was taking my STAAR test and when I received my phone back I had a text from my mother. "Caro Rolf lla no esta con nosotros"... it broke my heart. I should have been there... she was about to leave to the hospital when his mom called. My childhood was with him, and I couldn't be there at his last hours.

The funeral was hard. There were so many people there, i'm sure he would have been surprised at who had attended. The pastor had said multiple times that "This isn't a good bye, it's an hasta luego." When I walked up to the casket, it seemed like it wasn't even him. He was cold, and hard, and pale. When I first touched him, I flinched. He was wearing his Pearce soccer jersey. I kissed him goodbye, and I let him go. Crying didn't help any. There was no reason to, he was more alive than he's ever been. He was with God.

I'm sad that I didn't get to spend more time with him. But, hey, God's timing is perfect. His story touched hearts. His dedication changed lives. He's always here in our hearts, and I will love him forever. He's still my little brother, and I know I will see him again some day.

Rolffy,
I'm sorry I didn't hang out with you as we got older. You were my best friend, and I really loved you. I hope you knew that. I hope you knew when I was there in the ICU with you. I hope you knew how much I prayed for you. I prayed for your recovery... whether it be here on Earth or with God in heaven, I asked for His will to be done. I guess they needed a really good soccer player.
I love you Rolffy, and I'll see you sooner or later.


-Caroline

Holy Week and It's Blessings

Man, I forgot how much I loved coffee. #lentprobs

But onto the more important things, Christ is Risen! HE'S BACK GUYS. AND MAN IS HE SO GOOD. This weekend (Holy Thursday-Easter Sunday) has been full of prayer, and fasting for me. And God is truly with us today. Lemme tell you about the miracles God has given me this weekend.

Wednesday, I had a meeting with my IMPACT peer ministry group while I also had auditions for my schools pop choir group thing. My audition started around 5:30 and then I had time to go to IMPACT at 6:30. I got there and I was paranoid that I would miss my phase 2, so I left early around 7:50. On my way out, Nikki, our teacher/helper/ministerish lady, told me to pray to St. Cecilia. St. Cecilia is my saint and the name that was given to me at confirmation. I got super excited. On my way back to phase 2, I prayed sooooo hard to St. Cecilia. And yeah. I went on with my audition.

Holy Thursday: 

I went to mass that night and I had never attended mass on Holy Week. Ever. I had been to one Easter mass 4 years ago and I was new to the faith and confused. This has been the only year where I have gone to mass most every week. Anyways, it was very beautiful. I teared up. Holy Thursday commemorates Christ's commandment at the last supper to his apostles. ("A new commandment I give unto you: That you love one another, as I have loved you" John 13:34) I prayed during that mass that God would show everyone how much he loves us. That God would sacrifice his only son, a PERFECT man, for the forgiveness of sins for those unworthy. Us sinners. And that breaks my heart. And this is the first time I've really noticed it. Which is why I decided to get serious this weekend. BUT WAIT. THERE'S MORE! The mass ended around 9:00pm. I walked out and looked at my phone. I MADE FORTE. MY AUDITION WAS ENOUGH. AND I WASN'T EXCITED FOR MYSELF. I WAS EXCITED FOR GOD. FOR ST, CECILIA. I couldn't thank my self. I thanked God, for the amazing talent he has given me. For the gift of my voice from which I will proclaim his good news. After I freaked out, I went to 4 hours of adoration. During that time, I thanked God. I prayed for those who haven't experienced God's love. And time FLEW. 

Good Friday: Good Friday should be super sad, but I was super happy. I went to stations of the cross and I began to really understand the pain Jesus went through during his passion. But it never really hit me. During mass we got to kiss the cross. And it was an honor. Completely. After it, we went to a friends house to watch the Passion of the Christ. OH MY GOODNESS. Then it hit me. I am SO WEAK compared to Jesus. The earthly struggles we face here are NOTHING compared to being WHIPPED, CUT, THROWN, HIT, and then after TRY to carry a GIANT WOODEN CROSS up a mountain. Even with help, he fell. He cried, the pain in his eyes was so much. And everyone sitting there yelling "If you're the son of God, why don't you save yourself?!" And he forgave them all through the ridicule and pain. "Forgive them Father, they know not what they do." He got crucified with 6in nails while the other criminals just got tied on it. And he died for us. He died in pain and suffering, far more than we have probably ever experienced. And then he rose from the dead, to keep on going. To help us all to the kingdom of God. 

Holy Saturday: What better way to celebrate Easter with Easter Vigil. The most BEAUTIFUL mass I have ever been to. At that moment I knew I loved my faith. I knew that the Holy Spirit swept through that church changing the hearts of those in it. And man did it feel wonderful. Christ rose from the dead that night and people got baptized, their 1st communion, and confirmed into the Catholic Church. I wish I remembered my baptism now that I realize what a big deal it was. I wish I knew what I was receiving during my 1st communion, and I wish I knew what was happening during my confirmation. I get it. And now I'm so excited to keep growing in my faith life. Because Jesus died on a cross for us, like the worst criminals, through he was guilty of no crime. He died for us, and for our sins, when we were not worthy. And now he looks upon us and no matter what we have done, forgives us and shows us unconditional, and unfathomable LOVE. Pure LOVE. And until now, I know what fills the void in my heart. The one that I've been struggling with for so long. Filled with self-abuse, and such hatred. The devil really wanted me. Tried to ruin me. Tried to kill me by my own hand and now... I am in God's hand. My angels fight off the demons that I face and I can feel it. And I don't think I've been happier. This all hit me this weekend. And I am so happy that it did. God has truly blessed me this Easter season, and plans to do so for a long time. 

When God puts me through the test and leaves me, I know I will start to slip into the abyss that I have been through multiple times. But I will lay myself down in defeat and give it all to Christ. Because I now know that He is there. And he holds me in His arms and close to His heart forever.