I. Am. Freaking. Out.

I know it's been forever since I've written anything but I need to write this down. This is crazy.

I was just helping out with my church's confirmation retreat for those kids who are about to get confirmed. duh. I was asked to give a testimony, help out with small groups, lead grace, like you know it's whatever. I think the best part was spending a weekend at my favorite camp in the entire world. The Pines Catholic Camp (i'm not kidding someone take me back IMMEDIATELY).

I'm going to switch gears, and share what I saw this weekend. I saw lots of kids, ranging from 8th grade to probably juniors in High School about to get confirmed. And i'm like super excited because I'm like YOU'RE ABOUT TO ACCEPT YOUR FAITH AND THE HOLY SPIRIT AND... then I see the kids who were just not into it like DUDE DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT'S ABOUT TO HAPPEN?!?!?!? Duh. Then I remembered my 8th grade confirmation. I can't even remember the retreat, it was in a building because it was iced/snowed out, and I payed zero attention. It wasn't until I was a sophomore or a junior that I actually a) started to appreciate my faith and b) think about how much I should have cared during my first communion and confirmation. So I'm up on the stage like singing at the top of my lungs, dancing like an idiot, getting all the energy I had out and laying out down on the table trying to get something out of the kids in the back who aren't singing, praying, etc... Every talk that they heard involved a story that went along with either "here's how to put God into your life when you don't have time" or a "I fell away from the faith and realized how much I needed it" or a "I didn't care until I realized that I should have". I just wanted them to lisen to what we had to say. I thought it was important.

My favorite analogy that was given was one that went: You are a glass of milk. When you're baptized, you receive the Holy Spirit like chocolate syrup. It settles to the bottom of the glass. When you're confirmed, you receive the spoon. How do you make the chocolate milk? Does it happen on its own? YOU HAVE TO STIR IT.

I thanked my youth ministers for dealing with us when we just wouldn't get it, and for helping us get to the point where we're able to do the most amazing things on our own.

Either way, i'm proud of the kids who got it now. I can't wait to see the kids who get it later. And I hope the kids who really don't care, can come back and be welcomed with open arms. Later that day, me and 2 other teens led a Divine Mercy chaplet at 3:00 on the bus ride home. I didn't hear many people praying with us and I bet it was for a few reasons.
Kids were:
-sleeping
-didn't know the prayer
-scared of judgement
-listening to music
-talking
or - on their phones

After we ended I was super freaked. If someone said Divine Mercy chaplet on a High School Youth Ministry bus on our way to like Steubenville South we would like take out Laudate apps, bust out rosaries, pull up the prayers, and sing at the top of our lungs.

This was a different experience that i've never had. I never expected to be the "adult" or the one with all the answers, or the one that people listened to. I gave the first testimony thinking "This is about to sounds really stupid." until some kids and even some chaperones came up to me saying that they really needed to hear that. I even got a STANDING OVATION and I was like why is this happening please sit down i'm not THAT important oh my gosh. I noticed the small group I was in responded better when I posed the questions. Someone asked me to go to the bathroom and I just looked at them like "uh... duh? like don't get lost?????" And I didn't even notice this until I got home. Like i'm still shocked by it.

I was teaching?!?!?!?!?

Dude, I was literally just here as a camper in November. Not even 3 hours after we got back, I'm sitting in Life Teen (our High School youth group) asking so many questions because I had ZERO clue what the scripture verse we were reading meant. But just this morning I was asking questions like "what's keeping you from sharing the faith?" What is this.

I'm so thankful for this opportunity. It helped me grow in ways I didn't expect it to. I'm proud of my faith. I pray that my words, my actions, my friendship, my smile.... anything I did had the ability to touch someone in a way they needed. I hope the Holy Spirit touched someone this weekend, and that when these kids get confirmed that they don't leave the church and come back hungry for more and that they can't get enough. I've fallen, and every time I get up I want more and more and more of God to make me feel whole.

I hope another kid comes along for the ride, wants to get out of their comfort zone, and gives their lives to God. I know i'm still working on it, but I'm getting there. #notperfect

Holy Spirit, you are welcome here. 

Come flood this place and fill the atmosphere. 

Your glory God, is what our hearts long for,

To be overcome by Your presence Lord.

Amen. 

Renewing my Light

"Let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in Heaven." Matthew 5:14

This weekend, I attended a Steubenville Conference for the second time. And honestly, I was waiting for all of it to kick in again. I was waiting for some massive emotions to go through me and show me what I've been missing. In my head it was like I felt as if God was a few feet away from me, and I was just waving like "hey! I'm over here!" but I just waited. 

I've been really stuck lately. It's a time when I actually was just going through the motions like a good catholic is supposed to. I attended mass regularly, I continue to lector, I am still and extraordinary minister of the Eucharist, I still sing in the lifeteen band, and I still go to youth group. And it's not enough. There's nothing new. And when the world crashes down, I lay in my bed and watch entire seasons of Grey's Anatomy. So I walked into this conference thinking I want MORE. What else is there?! I didn't get the feeling I got at my first steubenville conference in 2012. 

Steubenville 2012 brought me to my knees in tears because it was honestly the first time I've ever experienced the true love of God. Steubenville 2012 is the reason I am where I am now in my faith and why I am in absolute love with my faith. 

Anyways: I asked God for two things this weekend. 

1) show me more 

2) please don't let me doubt.

My question 1 was answered with so much. My head was filled with the small things I could do like really explore scripture and spend more time with the blessed sacrament (aka Jesus himself), and get rid of the things that prevent me from really building my relationship with God, including relationships with others. Then I got big pictures. The possibility of becoming a youth minister, or a theology major, or even a call to live a religious life (?!?!) came to me. Some of these vocations I've thought about before, and some were so new I didn't know how I felt about them (?!?!!!!!). I've never felt so confused but I'm just going to let God do what he wants to do with me, I have no choice. Question 2 was left unanswered because there's no way I could doubt after what happened with question 1. 

 But besides my whole "what am I going to be when I grow up" rant, I also want to talk about the newish ideas I got out of this conference.

I really really really really love my faith. Not only does it get me through the day, but never fails to astound me. As I looked around me I saw over 2000 teens give their lives to Christ, worship, pray, and love. I saw so many people who have already dedicated their lives to God (nuns, priests, friars, seminarians) and I saw so many people open their hearts, and it really did remind me of my first experience with God. This church is built upon intense LOVE. Love great enough to bring people to give up their lives and fall to their knees, and cry, and laugh, and simply love!

We all forget sometimes. We all forget that someone loves us enough to create us, name us, shape us, and die for us. My youth minister accidently sang the words wrong to "How He Loves Us" and sang "how he loves me" and it was a deep reminder. God loves us, yeah. But sometimes you need to hear it. Seriously say it out loud. God loves me. God loves me. 

God. Loves. Me.

Of course. I even bought a bracelet that has Isaiah 43:1 on it. 

"I have called you by name: you are mine."

You. Are. Mine. 

Isn't that insane? God searches for us and we search for him and he is our father and I do picture myself as a little kid in my daddy's lap while he asks me who his little girl is. And I always answer that I am. I'm his little girl. And he loves me. And he always will. I never have to doubt it. 

I love my faith. 

I love the Eucharist. 

I love reconciliation.

I love adoration.

I love mass. 

And I love God. 

I wouldn't trade any part of it for this world. And it reminds me that I am here to reflect the light of Christ. Even when my light gets dimmed by the harshness of life, I am here to shine on.

I am a daughter of Christ, and my light can never go out because I am loved and I am saved. 

I always here people say that once you've encountered the love of God you'll never be the same. And they're right. I never want to meet the person I might have been if I'd never took a step into the Catholic Church. And I had the choice, I really did. I never understood mass as a kid. I can't even remember going more than twice. I was never forced to go to church as a child, but when I was 12, I walked into a church for an Ash Wednesday mass, and I made the decision to go to RCIC and RE, and I made the decision to continue to receive my sacraments beyond baptism, and I made the decision to keep walking in my faith even though I wouldn't understand any of it until my sophomore year of high school.

 I still have so much to learn, and so much to love, but I'm proud of where I am, and I know my Father is too.