Do I really have to make time for LIFE?

Seriously though, I don't have time to sit and do things like this and not feel guilty about it. I really should be doing homework. Or practicing for something. But stuff like this needs to happen more often. I'm exhausted of being on a schedule of things being due, meetings to attend, and times to wake up. When did life become such a rush? Yeah, I know i'm only sixteen but from a sixteen-year-old's perspective, I feel like i'm running around all the time.

Seriously, this week I had an outside reading book due and I chose to read The Catcher in the Rye. It's really too bad that I didn't have at least an hour to sit down and read. If I didn't have other things to do that I deemed more important, I would've totally read that book straight in one day. I really miss reading! I used to go through like a book in a week! Sadly, I just read the Sparknotes... I'll read it someday.

I guess this is mostly my fault... I feel like sometimes I involve myself too much. Sorry, I just like being part of things I like to do you know? I really love making music and I really love my faith... and I would hate making what I love a secondary priority for me. What's a little ridiculous is the fact that I have to put those aside for my education that slowly takes over my free time. Work. Work. Work. It's really depressing actually. I don't understand how this lifestyle is okay. It seems like after high school, we are absorbed in to college work (which is probably worse than high school, i'm assuming.) and after college we are consumed in our careers. But when do we ever have time to stop and chill out?

Don't tell me I should've done that before I got here, that's dumb. Hold up, let me get my time machine, go back in time and tell myself to enjoy my free time because that's going to be gone in a few years. Of course I didn't know that when I was younger! Plus, I wouldn't have been able to sit and contemplate some other issues like I do now because I was probably too obsessed with like the Jonas Brothers and Disney Channel.

To be honest, I spend my free time sleeping because I'm usually too exhausted to think about doing other things that could make me happy. Don't get me wrong, sleep makes me very happy, but what about just reading a book, or maybe I could get back to learning how to play guitar, and learning how to crochet. Those are the little things that I wish I could stop and do. This post makes me feel bad because I feel like I should be doing something more productive because I can't lead myself to think that this is beneficial to me! I'm in my room, with a couple of candles lit, my favorite lamp on, and Explosions in the Sky playing. This is beneficial to me! Beneficial to the SOUL. (Sorry, that was really cheesy, but it had to be said.)

Really, it isn't wrong to just set everything aside for a moment and chill out. Grab some tea, some good music, a book, something you really love, and just enjoy it. Especially high school kids, seriously. I promise not working for a second won't kill you. This school system leads you to believe that you're not enough unless you're making a 108 GPA. Your grades aren't a reflection of who you are, or what you become. (I'm still trying to believe it, even though deep down I know it's true.)

Please take a moment to relax, and free your mind of your stress. It's one of the best feelings ever.

Why are we here, again?

I seem to spend an awful lot of my time thinking about death.

Occasionally, i'll ponder the thought. As a Catholic i'm called to believe in Heaven, the kingdom of eternal rest. And I think, well if I have that to look forward to, what am I doing here? In a non-suicidal way. I mean really, what's the point of hanging out on this...corrupted planet we like to call our home? On a retreat I was on a couple weekends ago, we spent some time in Eucharistic Adoration, and I didn't feel a care in the world. I was so in love with the Eucharist that I honestly wanted to stay there forever. I was absolutely heartbroken once I realized I would have to leave the chapel and return to reality. Being with God is my home. I will never feel more at home than when I am with my Savior.

"Please let me stay here, I never want to leave. There's no struggle here, there's no pain here, there's no worry here." - Journal Entry Oct. 26. 2013

I feel like that experience was my little piece of Heaven. The Eucharist is where Heaven and Earth meet, for just a moment. But back to my original question: why are we here? If this is only temporary and we're going to the best place EVER, what am I doing here? Well... i'd like to think we're here because our souls aren't ready for Heaven. But, i'm not positive. I just think that we aren't ready to live in such a perfect place. So we're placed here, and we learn from our mistakes everyday. We make good judgments and praise God for our contribution to this ill world; we also made bad decisions that we should learn from to make good judgments. Our bad judgments are forgiven, no matter how severe, as long as we repent and are genuinely sorry for whatever sin we have committed. This world is our playground, and it's our duty to make the best out of it.

So, when we die, how is Christ supposed to help us out?
If we trust in God, death is easy. As weird as it sounds, i'm so chill with death. If I died tomorrow i'd be okay with it, because I know i'm going home. If you die trusting in God, are at peace, and are without serious sin, dude. You're on your way to Heaven. *

"If we live, we live to the Lord, and if we die, we die to the Lord; so then, whether we live or whether we die, we are the Lord's."- Rom 14:8

 Sadly, sometimes I really do think about suicide. The thought has plagued me for years. I know i'm only sixteen, but i definitely know life doesn't get any easier. How am I supposed to deal with growing older and continuing the path of the journey of life, if I can sometimes not even handle high school? Getting rid of your own self isn't the answer. Feeling worthless and tired is temporary. I've learned to let it go many times. I just have to remind myself that I have purpose, and I wouldn't be here if I didn't have a reason to be here. God doesn't make mistakes, and I am certainly not a mistake.

This thought is what brought me to my new blog title. "I am a light."
While I was in Adoration this past Sunday, I was watching the candles flicker around the room.
The flames we beautiful and bright. The flames were obviously warm and I thought of the other benefits lights have. Lights guide people, and make us feel safe (the dark makes us insecure). But, lights -especially flames- can also destroy.

But one quality of lights that really makes a connection with me is that lights burn out. Light bulbs, fire, stars... they will all go out at one point in time. But, that's not the light's decision. We as humans, are lights. We have all these qualities, but we won't go out until our time here is over. God's time is not ours, and we are necessary to the world while we burn.

So, i'm using this time to shine bright. My goal is to be a light to others and live a better lifestyle, even thought sometimes I flicker and I am not steady in my own life. Hopefully, the world can shine together, and maybe the life we live on Earth won't suck so much. :)

"I am not dying, I am entering life."-St. Therese of Lisieux

 *A lot of the information I am giving is based of the YOUCAT (Youth Catechism of the Catholic Church)