Why are we here, again?

I seem to spend an awful lot of my time thinking about death.

Occasionally, i'll ponder the thought. As a Catholic i'm called to believe in Heaven, the kingdom of eternal rest. And I think, well if I have that to look forward to, what am I doing here? In a non-suicidal way. I mean really, what's the point of hanging out on this...corrupted planet we like to call our home? On a retreat I was on a couple weekends ago, we spent some time in Eucharistic Adoration, and I didn't feel a care in the world. I was so in love with the Eucharist that I honestly wanted to stay there forever. I was absolutely heartbroken once I realized I would have to leave the chapel and return to reality. Being with God is my home. I will never feel more at home than when I am with my Savior.

"Please let me stay here, I never want to leave. There's no struggle here, there's no pain here, there's no worry here." - Journal Entry Oct. 26. 2013

I feel like that experience was my little piece of Heaven. The Eucharist is where Heaven and Earth meet, for just a moment. But back to my original question: why are we here? If this is only temporary and we're going to the best place EVER, what am I doing here? Well... i'd like to think we're here because our souls aren't ready for Heaven. But, i'm not positive. I just think that we aren't ready to live in such a perfect place. So we're placed here, and we learn from our mistakes everyday. We make good judgments and praise God for our contribution to this ill world; we also made bad decisions that we should learn from to make good judgments. Our bad judgments are forgiven, no matter how severe, as long as we repent and are genuinely sorry for whatever sin we have committed. This world is our playground, and it's our duty to make the best out of it.

So, when we die, how is Christ supposed to help us out?
If we trust in God, death is easy. As weird as it sounds, i'm so chill with death. If I died tomorrow i'd be okay with it, because I know i'm going home. If you die trusting in God, are at peace, and are without serious sin, dude. You're on your way to Heaven. *

"If we live, we live to the Lord, and if we die, we die to the Lord; so then, whether we live or whether we die, we are the Lord's."- Rom 14:8

 Sadly, sometimes I really do think about suicide. The thought has plagued me for years. I know i'm only sixteen, but i definitely know life doesn't get any easier. How am I supposed to deal with growing older and continuing the path of the journey of life, if I can sometimes not even handle high school? Getting rid of your own self isn't the answer. Feeling worthless and tired is temporary. I've learned to let it go many times. I just have to remind myself that I have purpose, and I wouldn't be here if I didn't have a reason to be here. God doesn't make mistakes, and I am certainly not a mistake.

This thought is what brought me to my new blog title. "I am a light."
While I was in Adoration this past Sunday, I was watching the candles flicker around the room.
The flames we beautiful and bright. The flames were obviously warm and I thought of the other benefits lights have. Lights guide people, and make us feel safe (the dark makes us insecure). But, lights -especially flames- can also destroy.

But one quality of lights that really makes a connection with me is that lights burn out. Light bulbs, fire, stars... they will all go out at one point in time. But, that's not the light's decision. We as humans, are lights. We have all these qualities, but we won't go out until our time here is over. God's time is not ours, and we are necessary to the world while we burn.

So, i'm using this time to shine bright. My goal is to be a light to others and live a better lifestyle, even thought sometimes I flicker and I am not steady in my own life. Hopefully, the world can shine together, and maybe the life we live on Earth won't suck so much. :)

"I am not dying, I am entering life."-St. Therese of Lisieux

 *A lot of the information I am giving is based of the YOUCAT (Youth Catechism of the Catholic Church)

A Final Farewell To A Dear Friend

On Thursday, April 4th, 2013, Heaven was graced with an angel. His name is Rolff Camey.

Growing up with him has been an incredible honor. He has lived directly across the street from me since as long as I could remember.

Although, I do regret the times I failed to be there for him. While at his funeral, a cousin of his came up to me. We used to play together when we were younger. He told me that he asked about me one day... and Rolff told him that he hadn't seen me in quite awhile. As I look back on the last time I saw him (while he was fully conscious), I wish I remembered the day. He'd probably texted me "Hey, can I get a ride?" at 7:30 A.M. I probably said "Yeah, 8?" And he would knock on my front door with his backpack and soccer bang hanging at his side. I was disappointed that those may have been my last words to him. But then I thought about when I had visited him in the hospital. The last time I saw him alive he was connected to machines and random colorful tubes and wires. It was Saturday, April 30th.

He was in a car accident with his aunt and cousin. They we're hit by a drunk driver who ran a red light on the driver's side. His cousin passed away, he suffered broken bones and severe brain damage, and his aunt did also. His aunt woke up a couple of day after the accident. We waited what seemed like forever to see Rolffy wake up. But he never did. His heart was still beating and his lungs were fine. What wasn't functioning was his kidney (they had to take the other one out) and his brain. Doctors told us if he did wake up, we would never be the same. He might not be able to walk, or talk... I couldn't imagine. Rolffy wanted to be a pro soccer player, and then an engineer for NASA. He would be trapped in a lifeless body... he would never fulfill his dreams. His parents made the decision to take him off life support. He had been on it for about a month. He lasted until 4pm on April 3rd to about 11am on April 4th. I was taking my STAAR test and when I received my phone back I had a text from my mother. "Caro Rolf lla no esta con nosotros"... it broke my heart. I should have been there... she was about to leave to the hospital when his mom called. My childhood was with him, and I couldn't be there at his last hours.

The funeral was hard. There were so many people there, i'm sure he would have been surprised at who had attended. The pastor had said multiple times that "This isn't a good bye, it's an hasta luego." When I walked up to the casket, it seemed like it wasn't even him. He was cold, and hard, and pale. When I first touched him, I flinched. He was wearing his Pearce soccer jersey. I kissed him goodbye, and I let him go. Crying didn't help any. There was no reason to, he was more alive than he's ever been. He was with God.

I'm sad that I didn't get to spend more time with him. But, hey, God's timing is perfect. His story touched hearts. His dedication changed lives. He's always here in our hearts, and I will love him forever. He's still my little brother, and I know I will see him again some day.

Rolffy,
I'm sorry I didn't hang out with you as we got older. You were my best friend, and I really loved you. I hope you knew that. I hope you knew when I was there in the ICU with you. I hope you knew how much I prayed for you. I prayed for your recovery... whether it be here on Earth or with God in heaven, I asked for His will to be done. I guess they needed a really good soccer player.
I love you Rolffy, and I'll see you sooner or later.


-Caroline