I. Am. Freaking. Out.

I know it's been forever since I've written anything but I need to write this down. This is crazy.

I was just helping out with my church's confirmation retreat for those kids who are about to get confirmed. duh. I was asked to give a testimony, help out with small groups, lead grace, like you know it's whatever. I think the best part was spending a weekend at my favorite camp in the entire world. The Pines Catholic Camp (i'm not kidding someone take me back IMMEDIATELY).

I'm going to switch gears, and share what I saw this weekend. I saw lots of kids, ranging from 8th grade to probably juniors in High School about to get confirmed. And i'm like super excited because I'm like YOU'RE ABOUT TO ACCEPT YOUR FAITH AND THE HOLY SPIRIT AND... then I see the kids who were just not into it like DUDE DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT'S ABOUT TO HAPPEN?!?!?!? Duh. Then I remembered my 8th grade confirmation. I can't even remember the retreat, it was in a building because it was iced/snowed out, and I payed zero attention. It wasn't until I was a sophomore or a junior that I actually a) started to appreciate my faith and b) think about how much I should have cared during my first communion and confirmation. So I'm up on the stage like singing at the top of my lungs, dancing like an idiot, getting all the energy I had out and laying out down on the table trying to get something out of the kids in the back who aren't singing, praying, etc... Every talk that they heard involved a story that went along with either "here's how to put God into your life when you don't have time" or a "I fell away from the faith and realized how much I needed it" or a "I didn't care until I realized that I should have". I just wanted them to lisen to what we had to say. I thought it was important.

My favorite analogy that was given was one that went: You are a glass of milk. When you're baptized, you receive the Holy Spirit like chocolate syrup. It settles to the bottom of the glass. When you're confirmed, you receive the spoon. How do you make the chocolate milk? Does it happen on its own? YOU HAVE TO STIR IT.

I thanked my youth ministers for dealing with us when we just wouldn't get it, and for helping us get to the point where we're able to do the most amazing things on our own.

Either way, i'm proud of the kids who got it now. I can't wait to see the kids who get it later. And I hope the kids who really don't care, can come back and be welcomed with open arms. Later that day, me and 2 other teens led a Divine Mercy chaplet at 3:00 on the bus ride home. I didn't hear many people praying with us and I bet it was for a few reasons.
Kids were:
-sleeping
-didn't know the prayer
-scared of judgement
-listening to music
-talking
or - on their phones

After we ended I was super freaked. If someone said Divine Mercy chaplet on a High School Youth Ministry bus on our way to like Steubenville South we would like take out Laudate apps, bust out rosaries, pull up the prayers, and sing at the top of our lungs.

This was a different experience that i've never had. I never expected to be the "adult" or the one with all the answers, or the one that people listened to. I gave the first testimony thinking "This is about to sounds really stupid." until some kids and even some chaperones came up to me saying that they really needed to hear that. I even got a STANDING OVATION and I was like why is this happening please sit down i'm not THAT important oh my gosh. I noticed the small group I was in responded better when I posed the questions. Someone asked me to go to the bathroom and I just looked at them like "uh... duh? like don't get lost?????" And I didn't even notice this until I got home. Like i'm still shocked by it.

I was teaching?!?!?!?!?

Dude, I was literally just here as a camper in November. Not even 3 hours after we got back, I'm sitting in Life Teen (our High School youth group) asking so many questions because I had ZERO clue what the scripture verse we were reading meant. But just this morning I was asking questions like "what's keeping you from sharing the faith?" What is this.

I'm so thankful for this opportunity. It helped me grow in ways I didn't expect it to. I'm proud of my faith. I pray that my words, my actions, my friendship, my smile.... anything I did had the ability to touch someone in a way they needed. I hope the Holy Spirit touched someone this weekend, and that when these kids get confirmed that they don't leave the church and come back hungry for more and that they can't get enough. I've fallen, and every time I get up I want more and more and more of God to make me feel whole.

I hope another kid comes along for the ride, wants to get out of their comfort zone, and gives their lives to God. I know i'm still working on it, but I'm getting there. #notperfect

Holy Spirit, you are welcome here. 

Come flood this place and fill the atmosphere. 

Your glory God, is what our hearts long for,

To be overcome by Your presence Lord.

Amen. 

Why are we here, again?

I seem to spend an awful lot of my time thinking about death.

Occasionally, i'll ponder the thought. As a Catholic i'm called to believe in Heaven, the kingdom of eternal rest. And I think, well if I have that to look forward to, what am I doing here? In a non-suicidal way. I mean really, what's the point of hanging out on this...corrupted planet we like to call our home? On a retreat I was on a couple weekends ago, we spent some time in Eucharistic Adoration, and I didn't feel a care in the world. I was so in love with the Eucharist that I honestly wanted to stay there forever. I was absolutely heartbroken once I realized I would have to leave the chapel and return to reality. Being with God is my home. I will never feel more at home than when I am with my Savior.

"Please let me stay here, I never want to leave. There's no struggle here, there's no pain here, there's no worry here." - Journal Entry Oct. 26. 2013

I feel like that experience was my little piece of Heaven. The Eucharist is where Heaven and Earth meet, for just a moment. But back to my original question: why are we here? If this is only temporary and we're going to the best place EVER, what am I doing here? Well... i'd like to think we're here because our souls aren't ready for Heaven. But, i'm not positive. I just think that we aren't ready to live in such a perfect place. So we're placed here, and we learn from our mistakes everyday. We make good judgments and praise God for our contribution to this ill world; we also made bad decisions that we should learn from to make good judgments. Our bad judgments are forgiven, no matter how severe, as long as we repent and are genuinely sorry for whatever sin we have committed. This world is our playground, and it's our duty to make the best out of it.

So, when we die, how is Christ supposed to help us out?
If we trust in God, death is easy. As weird as it sounds, i'm so chill with death. If I died tomorrow i'd be okay with it, because I know i'm going home. If you die trusting in God, are at peace, and are without serious sin, dude. You're on your way to Heaven. *

"If we live, we live to the Lord, and if we die, we die to the Lord; so then, whether we live or whether we die, we are the Lord's."- Rom 14:8

 Sadly, sometimes I really do think about suicide. The thought has plagued me for years. I know i'm only sixteen, but i definitely know life doesn't get any easier. How am I supposed to deal with growing older and continuing the path of the journey of life, if I can sometimes not even handle high school? Getting rid of your own self isn't the answer. Feeling worthless and tired is temporary. I've learned to let it go many times. I just have to remind myself that I have purpose, and I wouldn't be here if I didn't have a reason to be here. God doesn't make mistakes, and I am certainly not a mistake.

This thought is what brought me to my new blog title. "I am a light."
While I was in Adoration this past Sunday, I was watching the candles flicker around the room.
The flames we beautiful and bright. The flames were obviously warm and I thought of the other benefits lights have. Lights guide people, and make us feel safe (the dark makes us insecure). But, lights -especially flames- can also destroy.

But one quality of lights that really makes a connection with me is that lights burn out. Light bulbs, fire, stars... they will all go out at one point in time. But, that's not the light's decision. We as humans, are lights. We have all these qualities, but we won't go out until our time here is over. God's time is not ours, and we are necessary to the world while we burn.

So, i'm using this time to shine bright. My goal is to be a light to others and live a better lifestyle, even thought sometimes I flicker and I am not steady in my own life. Hopefully, the world can shine together, and maybe the life we live on Earth won't suck so much. :)

"I am not dying, I am entering life."-St. Therese of Lisieux

 *A lot of the information I am giving is based of the YOUCAT (Youth Catechism of the Catholic Church)